he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
