The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
