im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
