i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
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