Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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