hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
