You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
