Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
