i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
