he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
