Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
