as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You ruined the universe
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
