I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
