Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm like, not good at living.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
