I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
