I just threw up on my dentist
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
