So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
