This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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