God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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