Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
