someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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