just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
