I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
