If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
