I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
