Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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