Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
