Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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