I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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