He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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