I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I need to sanitize my soul.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
