You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
