New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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