If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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