I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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