man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
