just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Every concussion has its silver lining
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
