We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
