I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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