it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
