I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
