In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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