i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
pop tarts are not kleenex
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
