Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
