I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
