apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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