This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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