Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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