I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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