Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
