I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
