the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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