my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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