I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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