see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
